Alright, as I am writing this I am just getting over a lump of depression and inferiority, which has technically been bugging me my entire life, but it has sprung up, I dunno, at least twenty times this year alone, which is probably not healthy, but so is having such shit output for the past quarter. That’s a fourth of a year and I’ve got 60 years left, so I basically just wasted .5% of my remaining life force, like an idiot… Okay, maybe the depression has just manifested itself in another form, but onto what I want to discuss… in something that is indeed going up on April First, but is not a joke in any way, shape, or form.
First off, I have had less free time now than I ever had in my life. I work three days a week from, well, dawn, and get home at around 17:00 to 17:30 depending on the day. I also have school two days a week, get home around 14:15, and have homework to do in my classes, which I seldom had last semester. Also I run off of six hours of sleep most days, which is certainly a good reason for not feeling like doing much or feeling as if I can do the writing all good-like.
I have been trying to get through games fairly quickly, but I have gathered up a lot of other things that I enjoy, and take less work than playing and getting into a game, keeping mental notes on what I want to talk about in a review, and ultimately judge it while trying to make the most of the experience. I have had a couple of titles I quit a few hours in, and did not review as I would have very little to say. That, and two 100+ hour long games in the span of two months does not help very much with anything.
They are coming back, but will be once a month at best. I am currently going through JoJo, which I would honestly believe to have been written by a Middle Schooler, but is also sort of amazing, and I hope to get a review out relatively soon, aiming for April 9th. Why did I stop reviewing them? I have a history with anime burnout, and I wanted to have a year to recuperate my love for the medium before returning to review it once more.
So, everything I mentioned about my next novella? My plans have changed pretty dramatically from my original idea that involved a mix of the obscure TG manga Girl In My Dreams and the public domain character of Vivian James. I plan on revisiting both of those ideas, separately, but instead my next project will be a redo, remake, reinterpretation, reboot, whatever, of my most recently released story, A Vile Doohickey.
This new story, Verde’s Doohickey will have the same basic premise, a young man by the name of Jad Novus is contacted by Verde Dusk, a divine being who can manipulate reality , and she places him in an alternate reality and gives him a body swapping remote, which he and his friends use for… stuff. Not sexy stuff, as the execution of the story is almost completely different after the first chapter and a half.
Why am I doing this? Well, I was on the fence about even releasing A Vile Doohickey, but reassured myself that it was a good-enough story, which I feel it is, but it is not the sort of thing I wish to build upon. I have devised and planned a few upcoming stories to follow after Verde’s Doohickey, and have made sure that they follow a character’s development, and fit together in regards to tone, theme, stuff that even an ameture writer should be making use of.
I have planned out stories that I do not expect to get to for years, whether they be reworkings of previous ideas, ones I have been wanting to do for a while now, or just things that popped into my mind as I was planning out something that is far bigger than a simple trilogy of stories that are all connected by each other in some shape or form… instead it will possibly be ten… All of which will be fairly long, Verde’s Doohickey will probably be my longest story yet for crying out loud. Now, when will I get around to releasing them? Um…
I honestly will be furious at myself if I am unable to get this series done and over with within the next five years. I think I am overshooting it, but that way I will feel better about myself as I was able to hit my five year goal in, say, four years. Finding time to sit down and work on the novels without being distracted by, well, the thousand things I keep tabs on and can easily be distracted by, is the hardest thing about this process, but hopefully I will learn how to write while on a train, fumbling with a netbook that I am positioning in a way so that nobody can see what I am doing.
Butthole of Despair:
Okay, is there anything else I want to bring up now? Yeah, I guess so. I really do want to get some therapy. I used to go to a bunch of therapists as a kid, but I really did not understand why I was going there, and it was ultimately useless beyond slightly improving a few of my subpar social skills over the years. But nowadays, I honestly do feel as if I cannot be honest with anybody I see… ever pretty much. I cannot be honest around my parents after years of keeping secrets and, well, lying to them, have no connections at school, no friends after I realized I did not care about the only one I had left circa October 2014, and work is a definite no given the massive age difference I have with everybody at the office, and the fact I am a part-timer.
I honestly feel like I am living a lie, and have been a mess of sorrow, self loathing, and anger over the past month or so. And this blog, the one place where I feel I can be myself, I feel I have done a great disservice to it by being so shit for so long, and being unable to draw in a fanbase after nearly three years. However, all of this is my fault in the end, and I have no right to feel sorry about myself, and most certainly do not deserve to undergo a bit of Hormone Replacement Therapy until I feel physically better about myself.